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| envy is a green-eyed monster - is that really you? |
Envy can make the most beautiful person ugly, and seeing the green-eyed monster in the face of someone you admired is frightening. An envious person recently offered me some friendly advice and told me it was unbecoming to stand up for what I believe in. Sadly, the envy behind that advice was far more unbecoming.
How does envy affect a person? What can be done with it? Is there a way to turn it around and make it into something positive?
A couple years ago, I was envious of a person who accomplished something I wanted to do. Since envy was a temptation, fed by greed and spawning hate, the easiest response was to feel hatred. Tempting as that was, envy would not be my burden. I tried to counteract it.
"I'm a little envious that you thought of this idea first.
How brilliant! I admire you. Congratulations!"
It was not painful to admit feeling envious. Just the opposite. It felt good, and it felt even better to share in the happiness of someone else's success. There was nothing unfair about it, even though I wanted that success, deeply. The only way to have it was to first embrace the success of others, celebrate it, and learn from it. In doing so, I could be a small part of that success, and I was free to emulate it.
So, I went down the path, happily letting someone else pave the way. My heart was strong, and I dismissed the hate and greed of envy. I loved what I was doing, loved the people around me, and it showed. As a result, I experienced success beyond anything I could have imagined. There was no longer any reason to envy other people.
Ironically, I learned what it was like to be envied. In some ways, it was worse than feeling envious, more difficult to control. I had to say, "no true friend would act that way" and "it's time for you to go." That process was a little painful because I let some good go with the bad. Unfortunately, the scales were tipped too far in the direction of bad, and it was all because of envy.
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| Cain Slaying Abel, 1608-1609, Peter Paul Rubens |
I like how thoughtful this is. Envy is weird on both sides… I agree that it is easier to manage when you are the one feeling envious - because you can dismiss it by changing your outlook like you said.
ReplyDeleteIt was sad for me to discover the other side of envy, but calling it out for what it is helps a lot.
DeleteWonderfully articulated! Envy is an odd motivator, and never ends with positive results when we let it guide our actions. Good for you for owning up to your envy and allowing better feelings to overcome your actions.
ReplyDeleteI hope revealing how I process envy can be enlightening to the people who really need to find that positive direction. It's difficult to watch the struggles of people who are so consumed by envy. Often, they fall way short of their potential.
DeleteSuperb! My Nana in her unique Maine way used to call it "sour grapes". I have tasted those grapes on occasion and believe me it is much more productive to turn them into an enjoyable wine. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI will raise my glass to you and Nana. It seems so simple, doesn't it? For some folks, envy is a lifelong burden. If they would just spend that time and energy doing something more positive and productive, the world would be a much better place.
DeleteI read this when you first posted, and I've been turning it over in my head, and you are totally on point here. I too have felt envious of others... especially when I'm at my lowest emotionally, and all it does is make me angry and frustrated, in turn keeping me down, depressed and continually envious. It's a nasty cycle. On the upside - I have shared your experience of taking joy in others' successes, and it makes me feel good to be thinking of others rather than being so selfish. I think it's because successful people are happy and want to share their joy, and if you're receptive, that joy is contagious!! AND when you're feeling really good, you have created success for yourself :) Thanks for sharing this Bill -
ReplyDeleteI love your point about how we feel when we envy other people, being at a low point emotionally, getting angry, frustrated and depressed. It's so true. I also love your point about how good it feels to enjoy the success of others, and how uplifting that can be. Also very true. You totally get it. So, now that your star is rising, you may see the other side of envy. People will envy you, and it may be distracting at times. Keep these thoughts in the back of your mind, and when you need a hug, there are plenty of people including me who will be waiting with open arms.
DeleteIt's people like you who inspire me to be better - thanks!
DeleteGood thoughts here Bill. Envy and jealousy can be so destructive on so many levels. These rob us joy and continue to drill into our heads that we're not quite good enough. While I am not always successful at keeping it, I made the decision years ago to NOT be jealous of others success or how they quilt. I am not them, they are not me. I do not always know what struggle it was for them to get where they are nor do they know mine.
ReplyDeleteWhen I taught at a big show someone said to me that they wanted to be just like me, that's why they take my class. This rattled me. This is a unique person who, given good direction, can do whatever they want.
And I realized too that deep down, what I long to teach my students is that they are unique individuals that can grow and develop into good quilters in their own right. That I want to teach them that the "secret" to all of this is parking my behind at the machine, learning how all of the components work together.
Thank you for sharing this Bill.
Teri
If people saw what it took to get here, they probably wouldn't be willing to go there. I could ask what you would do if you could pick one path, parent or quilt collector, but I have a good idea what the answer would be.
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